In my self-important mind, I feel that I have the easy (and correct) answer to almost anything I have a working knowledge of. To that end, I submit to your perusal a list of things about sports I would change if I had the power to do so.
- NBA Mascot Disparity- One of the ties that professional franchises possess is a mascot or nickname that reflects the local community. The Houston Rockets are a great example. Houston is the home to NASA's space control center, and the nickname reminds all of us. Not all teams have this significance tied to their mascot (Golden State Warriors, I'm looking at you), but for those that do, it is a reminder to the home fans that the franchise has roots in the community. When professional leagues moved franchises, they often took those nicknames with them, creating a jumbled mess of anachronistic mascots. So I would change them. First on the list is the Utah Jazz. Despite the fact that this franchise has been in Salt Lake City nearly all of its 38 years of existence, the name "Jazz" belongs in New Orleans. Coincidentally, the franchise that currently resides in the Big Easy has the nickname Hornets. This works well with the fact that Utah's nickname is the Beehive State. I would make the franchises switch mascots. Problem solved. The L.A. Lakers (formerly of Minnesota- Land of 1,000 lakes) would be renamed the Showtime. It hearkens back to the 80's teams, and plays on the entertainment industry. Problem solved. Also up for changes: Washington Wizards (change back to Bullets- it makes more sense anyway), L.A. Clippers (I would move them to San Diego, where they belong and the mascot makes more sense), Charlotte Bobcats (one of the dumbest mascots ever- change to Monarchs), and the Memphis Grizzlies (this whole team should be moved to Oklahoma City instead of the Supersonics and renamed the Cyclones).
- Possession Arrow- One of the worst things about college basketball; this one is much less complicated. Get rid of the arrow and teach refs how to throw the ball up. Case closed.
- Timeouts- Staying with NCAA basketball, I would limit teams to 2 30-second timeouts in the last 2 minutes of the game. While most advertisers would choke, it would increase the entertainment value for the consumer. What a concept. To mollify advertisers, ads could be placed, via computer graphics, on the floor or team jerseys during the broadcast.
- The BCS- Ugh. What a travesty. I will expand this thought later, but suffice it to say right now that the system would be scrapped in favor of a 16 team playoff featuring the winners of the 11 Division I-A football conferences and 5 at large teams. Early rounds would be played at the home stadium of the higher seed before exams, with the championship game played in the week in between the NFL conference championships and the Super Bowl.
- Pro Football Hall of Fame- As I started writing this, I was really excited about kicking guys out of the HOF, but realized there is only one guy I feel passionately enough about to actually go through with it. Joe Namath, you are the winner. I would give him his own little display documenting the guarantee and the win over the Colts in Super Bowl III, but no QB with more career INT's than TD's belongs in the Hall. Period. Can I kiss you? Other changes to the HOF-admit more Offensive Linemen. How do QB and RB get all their stats? The Pug Uglies up front. As of 2008, there were 48 QB and RB's in the Hall*, while only 33 OL made the cut. This is especially disgusting when you consider that there are 5 OL on the field, and 2 backs. *from the modern era
- Excessive Celebration- This penalty has been adopted by both the NCAA and the NFL. It is a ludicrous rule, and would be abolished. A taunting penalty would replace it, allowing for celebrations that have nothing to do with the other team to remain in place. For example, the Dirty Bird, Fun Bunch*, and other collective celebrations would be allowed, while throwing the ball at an opponent or standing above them after a tackle would not. *I hate to admit this, but the one thing I disown the quickest about the Cowboys is the punk move that resulted in the adoption of this rule in the NFL. You don't want the other team to celebrate? Don't let them score.
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2 comments:
Okay homey,
We were sitting at some bar in Olde Town with some of the boys from Fort Washington, Ivan, Mark, yourself drinking from a glass the bar called a fishbowl, I can not remember the establishment's name. The issue about team names came up and no one liked the change proposed from the Bullets to the Wiz. However, as we grew through a part of the area where kids were throwing Bullets around, it seemed the worst image our team could reflect.
Now expansion teams have lost the knack our sporting forefathers had for naming teams to identify with some unique aspect of the community, but it is not like David Copperfield or the Amazing Mike run a school in Orlando though Disney made many families disappear, but replaced them with business opportunities unlike anywhere else in our lifetime as that area transformed. I do not think the Orlando Prefabricators or the praise God for Micheal Eisner and his Jobs would sell many tshirts. Okay, it is hot in Miami. Oklahoma is about to get a team and Seattle will likely be a candidate for expansion. If Ok gets a team are they the Dustballs, the Musicals, the our attack predated 911 but you brushed us under the table yet used New York to... Seattle Coffee is the only reason we are awake in this miserable weather... You would need a big chest.
The Wizards had Cwebb, Howard, the 7foot7 sensation who caught the heart of Billy Crystal in big George. At the time, calling us the Monuments would have made sense because of our stature, or at least I argued this vehemently over a fishbowl. However, monuments stand to defy time and prick our memory. Things like teams exist to capitalize on our great desire to unify with some and separate from others. If we called ourselves the Segregations, it would have ties to DC but would also own something honest about all of what sport seems to trade on.
Go Wiz.
You can't go back to the Bullets.
Hey,
Kenny said I should send this to you--it's right up your alley:
http://stuffebplike.com/2008/03/06/13-talking-about-uneducated-black-people/
:)
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